Music of the Heart
by Qalets
Summary: A short kerry/kim piece, set after "Witch Hunt" and set to music


Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, and I'm probably violating any copyright laws by using these songs, but they'

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, and I'm probably violating many copyright laws by using these songs, but they'll get over it…

Music of The Heart 

Set just after "Witch Hunt"

Exam leave was getting tedious so I sat down and wrote this, it's quite short, very light and set against the backdrop of some of my favourite songs. Make sure you read the song lyrics though, because I know I sometimes skip over them and the fic doesn't make a lot of sense without them…thanks…enjoy…

I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak, but I think your wrong  
I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
now I'm relaxed  
I can't be sure

(If you're gone –Matchbox Twenty)

Kerry:

You have no idea how my life fell apart the moment you let those elevator doors close between us. How if felt to finally have a wall between us that was tangible, visible, instead of in my mind, invisible, undetectable, but still there, holding me back, never letting myself get too deep, too involved.

It was fear I felt when you let those doors close, fear of losing you, fear because no matter how hard I'd tried you'd already penetrated my wall, I was already involved, more deeply involved than I thought ever possible. 

And now you were gone.

I'd let you slip through my fingers.

My teas gone cold I'm wondering why I,

Got out of bed at all

The morning rain clouds up my window

And I can't see at all

But even if I could it'd all be grey

But your picture on my wall

It reminds me

That it's not so bad, it's not so bad

(Thank you –Dido)

Kerry:

You used to be my everything Kim. Every smile, every moment of happiness seemed to be tipped on the scale that you balanced, you were my picture on my wall, the light through the rain of my days, and now you're gone.

When the day is long

And the night,

The night is yours alone

And you're sure you've had enough

With this life

Hang on…

Don't let yourself go

Cause everybody cries

Everybody hurts

Sometimes

(Everybody Hurts –REM)

Kim:

I'm not sure you understand how difficult it was to let those doors close between us that day. How it felt for me to let something like that come between us, how it feels to lose you, how it feels to know you're not going to knock on my door when you need a friend, need someone to hold, to comfort you.

I need someone to be able to do that to me now Kerry.

And you're not here to return the favour.

You're not here.

And I need you.

When you're on your own

In this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life

Hang on

Everybody hurts

Sometimes everybody cries

Everybody hurts

Sometimes

(Everybody Hurts –REM)

Kim:

I can still see your face, the expression you wore as I pushed that elevator button. I can't explain it. I can see it, as clear as I can see the sun as it falls through my curtains, but I'm damned if I can understand it. There were so many emotions there Kerry, and I'm not sure if I could identify a single one.

No, thinking about it I can identify one, one that if it wasn't there it should have been, one that I know I'm feeling now.

Regret

I think you're so mean  
I think we should try  
I think I could need  
this in my life  
I think I'm scared  
I think too much

(If you're gone –Matchbox Twenty)

Kerry:

But perhaps it wasn't my fault, I did all I could, I tried. You've already pushed this further than I could ever have thought it could go. Beyond the realms of friendship, beyond the boundaries of "a passing-fancy", beyond sex, into love.

Quite frankly it scares me.

Why don't you understand that?

Its taken me so long to admit this, admit these feelings we share, become accustomed to how different they are, admit my love for you to myself…and now you ask me to admit before the people I work with? The people who I respect and who respect me? People like Romano?

You were asking too much, I wasn't ready.

Knew the signs  
Wasn't right  
I was stupid for a while  
Swept away by you  
And now I feel like a fool  
So confused,  
My heart's bruised  
Was I ever loved by you?  
  
Outta reach, so far  
I never had your heart  
Outta reach,  
Couldn't see  
We were never  
Meant to be  
(Outta Reach -Gabrielle)

Kim:

How did I let this happen? How did I let myself fall for you? "My instincts are normally better than this" -I remember telling you that the first night I brought the subject of us up, I should have known then, should have known that this was the way it was going to turn out, with me alone, nursing a broken heart.

This, this livin' is strange

We count our feelings in yesterdays

Is that how you keep your clutch baby?

Is that how you keep it darlin'?

(Clutch –Shea Seger)

Kerry:

My shift was over an hour ago but I can't bring myself to leave. I'm sat in the Doctors lounge, nursing a long-cold cup of coffee, holding my head up high to keep from crying, not wanting to let anyone see me so fragile, so delicate, so wounded. I want to go home but I know I won't be able to bare it, an empty apartment, full of the things I have shared with you, you who I've lost.

I replay the moment in front of Romano over and over in my mind, devising things I could have said, should have said, to make the situation better, to salvage your honour, your job, us. Each time I run through the scene I come up with something bigger and better I could have said, I can even think of a way of saying what I needed to say, without really saying it, if you know what I mean.

I'm clinging to straws. No amount of mental editing can change the past, I will always have made that mistake, and I will always have lost you because of it.


End file.
